“Why He Didn’t Call You Back?”

Renowned Dating Coach Rachel Greenwald Answers Your Questions About Her New Book

1. For this book, you conducted a groundbreaking 10-year research project with 1,000 single men to uncover the top ten reasons why they don’t call their dates back. What is the #1 reason?

The #1 most popular reason men don’t call back is “The Boss Lady.” This label applies when a man thinks a woman is terrific—smart, good-looking, and successful—but he decides he’d rather hire her than date her. Women often guess that men are intimidated by their great job or strong personality. But men sincerely said that’s not it. They get enough aggression at work all day—when they come home they want to be with someone softer, more nurturing. They do want someone intelligent with an interesting career, but they crave a warm demeanor.

2. Describe the “Exit Interview” technique you used to extract information from these 1,000 guys?

I used a tactic I learned at Harvard Business School called “Exit Interviews” to reveal candid answers from men who had disappeared into a black hole. I called the former dates of my clients, I approached single men at Starbucks, I talked to guys at speed dating events, and I even spent 6 hours once in the food court at Newark Airport (during my flight delay) asking random men about their dating disconnects. During those 1,000 interviews across ten years, I never accepted glib answers such as “There was just no chemistry.” I asked “Why was there no chemistry?” I poked and prodded until I got specific details about all the little things women said and did on their dates. It turns out there are clear, consistent patterns about what turned men on, and what turned them off.

3. Out of your findings, which reason surprised you the most?

One of the most surprising reasons men don’t call back is “The Never Ever Mistake.” This occurs when a woman makes an emphatic or absolute statement using words such as “I would never” or “I definitely will” or “I hate.” For example, one New York woman emphasized how much she loved living in New York by telling her date, “I’d never leave this city! My job, my family, my friends are all here!” Because he grew up on the west coast, he wasn’t sure he’d always want to stay in New York, especially after he had kids. He’d enjoyed their date together, but the next day he decided she was geographically inflexible and that she didn’t have long-term relationship potential. He took her “never ever” statement literally, even though one day she might have moved for compelling reasons, especially if they were married.

4. In your book you say women should never send a “thank you” email or text after a date. Why?

Men told me that while they appreciate the post-date “Thank You Email,” it ultimately causes them to lose interest in a woman because men like the chase. They told me that when they receive your email (or text) the morning after a date, they do NOT think, “Oh, what good manners she has!” Rather, they think it means you like them. Turns out it’s more deflating than endearing because he wanted to contact you first and do the pursuing (assuming he liked you too). You should thank him graciously at the end of the date, but don’t steal his thunder the next day. And if you don’t hear from him at all? He’s just not that into you, of course. He’s a big boy and knows how to contact you if he wants to see you again. Your email isn’t subtle when sent under the pretext of a “thank you.”

5. You say in your book that women should do “the fake-purse grab” when the dinner check arrives. Can you explain?

I conducted a national poll and asked men how they prefer women handle the awkward arrival of the dinner check on the first date. The good news is that chivalry is not dead! A surprising 84% of men said they expect to pay for the meal, but they want to know their gesture is appreciated. They don’t want to feel like the woman EXPECTS them to pay. For this reason, they prefer the “fake-purse grab” to the “blind eye.” I recommend that you reach for your purse and say sweetly, “May I contribute to this?” The vast majority of the time he will decline your offer, at which point you can thank him sincerely. If he allows you to split the bill, you probably won’t be hearing from him again (or if he does call back, it’s doubtful he’s interested in anything serious with you).

6. Why are there more failed first dates today than ever before?

This is a recent and scary phenomenon. With the explosion of online dating, single men and women have the illusion of infinite options. They believe a more perfect match is just a mouse-click away. Today people go on dates to “rule out” rather than “rule in” because they know they’ll be home in an hour, surfing the internet for someone “better.” Everyone is window shopping, but few are buying.

7. The case studies in your book offer hope and inspiration for the women looking for Mr. Right. What is the take-away for women as they read these true stories about your clients?

My research gives women new information which empowers them to retain the men they actually want to date. By tweaking small comments and gestures they often make unknowingly, they’ll have more men pursuing them and calling back. Ultimately the woman will have the choice to accept or decline the next date, rather than waiting by the phone and wondering what happened.

I truly believe it’s not that good guys aren’t out there, but rather that simple misperceptions—which can be easily fixed—are standing in Cupid’s way. Over 80% of my clients who have used this Exit Interview information (as shown in these case studies) have dramatically changed their dating results and found a wonderful guy within a few months.

8. The book is also a fascinating glimpse into the mind of the single man. What’s the #1 thing men DO like?

The #1 thing that indicated whether a woman had future-wife potential was actually rather…. um, bland! Men said they look for a woman who is a really “nice” person. Initially I assumed “nice” meant “boring,” but the anecdotes I heard turned out to be poignant. Guys remembered brief gestures or comments when a woman acted nice, kind, thoughtful, or considerate. Here’s one quote to illustrate:

“We met for coffee at Starbucks, and we were standing at the condiments bar when she accidentally spilled a little sugar onto the counter top. No big deal, right? Except she actually took a napkin and wiped up after herself! I asked her why [she did that], and she told me it just seemed polite so the next person wouldn’t have to look at someone else’s mess. If it was me, I’d just leave whatever I spilled and figure the staff would clean it up… It was just a small thing, but it impressed me how thoughtful she was.”
 

Want to impress a man? Well, those fabulous looks are not enough to make him fall for you.

A woman needs to have a lot of qualities, like a good sense of humour, intelligence and a great Error! Hyperlink reference not valid. to attract a man, reports the Independent.

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