Am I in a Healthy Relationship?

Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who’s right for you — and who thinks you’re right for him or her! So when it happens, you’re usually so psyched that you don’t even mind when your little brother finishes all the ice cream or your English teacher chooses the one day when you didn’t do your reading to give you a pop quiz.

It’s totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn’t as healthy as it should be.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that’s the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:

Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you’re acting like someone you’re not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you’re not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person’s boundaries.

Trust. You’re talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you’d never cheat on him? It’s OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There’s no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don’t trust each other.

Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it’s tough to trust someone when one of you isn’t being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you’ll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
Support. It’s not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can’t take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.
Fairness. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner’s friends as often as you hang out with yours? It’s not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you’ll know if it isn’t a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.
Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn’t mean you should feel like you’re losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn’t change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don’t, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
Good communication. You’ve probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don’t seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase “no, nothing’s wrong” can have, depending on who’s saying it! But what’s important is to ask if you’re not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you’re afraid it’s not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you’re ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It’s not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn’t yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who’s been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it’s not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

Warning Signs

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it’s an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

get angry when I don’t drop everything for him or her?
criticize the way I look or dress, and say I’ll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?
want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren’t the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it’s time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what’s going on and make sure you’re safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn’t want to do.

Feeling Stressed – check out the following stressbusters!

So you think that you are stressed?  Running out of energy??  Nothing seems to go right??

1. Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less stressful.

2. Prepare for the morning the evening before. Set the breakfast table. Make lunches. Put out the clothes you plan to wear, etc.

3. Don’t rely on your memory. Write down appointment times, when to pick up the laundry, when library books are due, etc. (”The palest ink is better than the most retentive memory.”- Old Chinese Proverb)

4. Do nothing you have to lie about later.

5. Make copies of all keys. Bury a house key in a secret spot in the garden. Carry a duplicate car key in your wallet, apart from your key ring.

6. Practice preventive maintenance. Your car, appliances, home and relationships will be less likely to break down “at the worst possible moment.”

7. Be prepared to wait. A paperback book can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant.

8. Procrastination is stressful. Whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now.

9. Plan ahead. Don’t let the gas tank get below onequarter full, keep a well- stocked “emergency shelf” of home staples, don’t wait until you’re down to your last bus token or postage stamp to buy more, etc.

10. Don’t put up with something that doesn’t work right. If your alarm clock wallet, shoe laces, windshield wipers-whatever-are a constant aggravation, get them fixed or get new ones.

11. Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments. Plan to arrive at an airport one hour before domestic departures.

12. Eliminate (or restrict) the amount of caffeine in your diet.

13. Always set up contingency plans, “just in case.” (”If for some reason either of us is delayed, here’s what we’ll do…” Or, “If we get split up in the shopping center, here’s where we’ll meet.”)

14. Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn’t get mowed this weekend.

15. Pollyanna-Power! For every one thing that goes wrong, there are probably 10 or 50 or 100 blessings. Count ‘em!

16. Ask questions. Taking a few moments to repeat back the directions that someone expects of you, etc., can save hours. (The old “the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get” idea.)

17. Say “No!” Saying no to extra projects, social activities and invitations you know you don’t have the time or energy for takes practice, self-respect and a belief that everyone, everyday, needs quiet time to relax and to be alone.

18. Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect.

(The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil.)

19. Turn “needs” into preferences. Our basic physical needs translate into food, water, and keeping warm. Everything else is a preference. Don’t get attached to preferences.

20. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

21. Make friends with nonworriers. Chronic worrywarts are contagious.

22. Take many stretch breaks when you sit a lot.

23. If you can’t find quiet at home, wear earplugs.

24. Get enough sleep. Set your alarm for bedtime.

25. Organize! A place for everything and everything in its place. Losing things is stressful.

26. Monitor your body for stress signs. If your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax your muscles and take some deep, slow breaths.

27. Write your thoughts and feelings down on paper. It can help you clarify and give you a renewed perspective.

28. Do this yoga exercise when you need to relax: Inhale through your nose to the count of eight. Pucker your lips and exhale slowly to the count of 16. Concentrate on the long sighing sound and feel the tension dissolve. Repeat 10 times.

29. Visualize success before any experience you fear. Take time to go over every part of the event in your mind. Imagine how great you will look, and how well you will present yourself.

30. If the stress of deadlines gets in the way of doing a job, use diversion. Take your mind off the task and you will focus better when you’re on task.

31. Talk out your problems with a friend. It helps to relieve confusion.

32. Avoid people and places that don’t fit your personal needs and desires. If you hate politics, don’t spend time with politically excited people.

33. Learn to live one day at a time.

34. Everyday, do something you really enjoy.

35. Add an ounce of love to everything you do.

36. Take a bath or shower to relieve tension.

37. Do a favor for someone every day.

38. Focus on understanding rather than on being under stood, on loving rather than on being loved.

39. Looking good makes you feel better.

40. Take more time between tasks to relax. Schedule a realistic day.

41. Be flexible. Some things are not worth perfection.

42. Stop negative self-talk: “I’m too fat, too old, etc…”

43. Change pace on weekends. If your week was slow, be active. If you felt nothing was accomplished during the week, do a weekend project.

44. “Worry about the pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves.” Pay attention to the details in front of you.

45. Do one thing at a time. When you are working on one thing, don’t think about everything else you have to do.

46. Allow time every day for privacy, quiet and thinking.

47. Do unpleasant tasks early and enjoy the rest of the day.

48. Delegate responsibility to capable people.

49. Take lunch breaks. Get away from your work in body and in mind.

50. Count to 1,000, not 10, before you say something that could make matters worse.

51. Forgive people and events. Accept that we live in an imperfect world.

52. Have an optimistic view of the world. Most people do the best they can.

Want to impress a man? Well, those fabulous looks are not enough to make him fall for you.

A woman needs to have a lot of qualities, like a good sense of humour, intelligence and a great Error! Hyperlink reference not valid. to attract a man, reports the Independent.

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